since my cat died. I tried to get on with my life, but in so many ways I recognized that mourning for him took over my free mind, my social consciousness, my connection to my wife, my celebration of our wedding anniversary. When I prepared to speak on Sunday at a church north of town, I could see the words I wrote on the page, but I was not connected to them. I think that is why I put it off so long, until Saturday, hoping that I would connect. Speaking was OK, and I think it helped me reintegrate, but it didn’t seem natural at first.
I saw my wedding anniversary coming all week long, but I just didn’t do anything about it. It was too distant from my self. All you married boys know how big a problem it is for us if we don’t remember our anniversary. Well, I watched it coming all week long like a drugged person placed on the railroad tracks waiting for the train.
Why is it that a cat commanded such complete connection with me that losing him would disconnect me from my world? I don’t know, but I suspect that it has something to do with euthanizing him instead of just waiting for him to die. I think it took something out of me to do it. I am usually opposed to taking life of any kind, and this has really wrenched me from my self.
To my wife, I am sorry for being such a klutz. I am not using the cat as an excuse for neglecting us, it is just that I have been broken from my normal self by this event.